As an unlucky girl, there are certain things I can’t stop from happening, I can try to avoid them with all my heart, but they happen anyway. To name a few, I always get shit on…by birds! Lucky me, I have a big, curly hairdo and that’s a great advance in the acting bizz, but it also appears to attract a lot of birdshit. I guess they think I’m wearing an attractive birdnest on my head. Let me tell you, it’s quite hard to remove sticky, smelly, gross birdpoo out of fuzzy curls. I also break a lot of shit, mostly glass or mirrors. And most of the time fancy glasses that I’ve just bought, not the old, raggedy ones that I wish broke sometime, no, they seem to survive everything and everyone, even me.
But I’ve heard getting shit on by birds and breaking glass brings goodluck, so I guess I’m in for a lifetime full of happiness and joy, still waiting for that though…Universe hello, can you hear me?
So below I have written a little ‘how to’ for fellow unlucky girls and boys, like myself. To make our down on luck lives a little bit easier and happier.
1. Break as much glass as you possibly can, but make sure it’s an uncolored or clear glass and it’s not a mirror. If you’re drinking wine, make a toast and smash that sucker into the fireplace (if you have one) or else just drop it. According to ancient superstition, this will bring you a bunch of goodluck. I suggest ‘glass breaking parties’, where everyone brings their own glass to give a toast and break it 5 minutes later. I really see some marketing opportunities here.
2. In follow up to the above, never break a mirror. This means 7 years of badluck and you will now have to go to the mall to see how you look in chino pants. If you in fact already broke a mirror, don’t throw away the pieces. You can either grind the pieces to dust and throw them out the window, or keep one piece and wait until the next full moon. Use the piece to reflect the moon and gaze deep into the mirror, according to many cultures, your badluck should be gone with the wind.
3. Find a place with as many birds as possible, like the beach where most seagulls are flapping around, or a big city center with a lot of disgusting pigeons. Walk around for an hour or two, try to locate your head precisely under a birds ass and wish for the best. Being shit on by a bird is considered goodluck, because the odds of that happening, are one in a billion, which is likely as rare as winning the lottery. So if you’re able to get a bird to doodoo on you, chances are you should definitely be able to win the lottery.
4. Never walk underneath a ladder. This superstition is commonly known, it’s considered blasphemy, because the triangularly shape of the ladder signifies the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. And more logical, you could accidentally hit the ladder and the person on it could break his leg. If you decide to live on the wild side and already walked underneath like a thousand ladders, the next time you do this, walk back through the ladder and cross your fingers until you see a dog. Your luck will change immediately. Also dogs are fun.
Get and stay lucky my luckless pals!